13 Ways to Reduce Stress

13 Ways to Reduce Stress

Living in our current world there is stress everywhere.  It seems from the time we get up until the time we go to bed stress, demands, requests, notifications are screaming for our attention.  Some people even have their sleep disturbed because our brains can not turn off to even sleep, much less rest.  So in our current “available all the time” mindset, how do we reduce stress?  Here are some of my favorite tools and ways to help people manage the chaos.

1. Evaluate and establish your NON- NEGOTIABLES that determines your schedule.

This is a tool from Steven Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Successful People. It is a must for me to know what is important.  Because here is our reality, We really can not do it all.  I know social media makes it look like we can, but we can’t.  So we really need to have a heart to heart with ourselves and our families.  This really comes down to moms and dads setting the standard for the family.  If you are single, it is really important to establish your non-negotiables when you are looking for a partner.  A great reality check for this tool is to evaluate the last 6 months of your calendar and your bank account.  Where do you spend your time?  What do you spend your money on?  You really can see someone's values and what is important when you check these two things.  Then are you happy with what you see?  Do you feel your non-negotiables are fully represented?  EX: If I say that my friendships are really important to me, do I have proof of that on my calendar?  If I say that family is non-negotiable, but I work 60 hours a week and volunteer for overtime, is that really truly an important value?  Am I spending all my ‘extra’ money on my hobbies or am I investing in my kids, parents, friendships.  So take a moment, sit down and write out your non-negotiables.  What happens when we put what is really important on our calendar first, it fills our souls and our schedules don’t push out what is really important.  This is a hard concept to do. Because we don’t like to let people down and we don’t say no well.  This leads into our next tool.

2. Say No More

Yes, easier said than done.  But here is the hard truth, we are limited in our time and resources.  It is finite.  So if we say yes to everyone and everything then we will look just like a hamster in a wheel expending a lot of energy but getting nowhere.  It really is ok to say no in a kind way.  I grew up in church and love ministering at church.  When my husband was a youth pastor, I allowed myself to get sucked into everything and anything.  I didn’t say no.  So I did youth ministry, kids ministry, nursery, led bible studies, hosted events at our home, worked in big outreach events, VBS, cooking, decorating, set up, clean up, worship team, drama team.  All while working and having 2 toddlers.  While I loved it, I burned out.  It took almost 6 months to “detox” after my husband chose a new career path.  Now, I have my 2 things rule.  I love serving my church - but I will do 2 things well, put all I have into it and say no to all the other good things.  Now it is 12 years later, and have not been burned out.  Is that hard?  YES! Is it doable and sustainable for the long term? YES! Saying no more, reduced my stress and allowed me to pour into a few things well.  Do what you do well, and your stress will reduce. 

3. Have Grounding Routines

You may think I am crazy, but little things can make a huge difference.  I learned this stress reducing technique during the 2020 pandemic. When the pandemic first started and everything shut down I felt lost.  One day I was folding laundry and this sense of peace fell over me. I suddenly realized when I could not control my kids' school schedule, work, grocery stores or public health, I could fold my laundry.  I have a pretty good routine with laundry.  I put in a load the night before, switch it and it is ready to fold when I get up in the morning.  Typically this is Friday into Saturday morning.  I get all the laundry done and put it up.  It feels satisfying to complete a task and I could control it.  Routines are so important to reducing stress.  Sometimes it is a routine of a good cup of coffee and a book, devotion or newspaper.  Sometimes it is a routine to pack lunches, book bags and sports bags.  Sometimes the routine is skin care, walking with a friend or meeting a group of friends for lunch.  Routines allow the important stuff to get done.  Routines ground us.  That if all else fails, I can fold my laundry on Saturday mornings and all is still right with the world. (Even for a brief moment) So find the routines that ground you and stick to them.

4. Have a strong Morning and Bedtime Routine

One of the mysteries of life is that what works in childhood we throw out the window sometime in adolescence and early adulthood.  Morning and Bedtime routines are critical for healthy, reduced stress living.  Morning routines will need to fit your personality and your lifestyle. But how you start the day really does make a difference.  If you are a morning person - I love you, you are amazing, but not everyone wakes up with a rosy disposition.  If your morning routine is more like a hurricane of getting up, throwing clothes on and storming out the door, you may feel more stress in your life.  Getting up and having a routine -sets the foundation for the day- and if you are a parent, for your children’s day too. I learned this the hard way too.  My husband and I used to work at a Children’s Home.  We lived with up to 12 kids at a time.  Change over day is when one couple leaves and the partnered couple comes in for their 2 week shift.  Well, change over days was always super stressful for me. We had to have all the paperwork completed, living quarters cleaned, and the house spotless.  On good days we had a meal in the crock pot to ease the couple coming in.  On top of all of this the kids were TERRIBLE on change over days. Or so I thought.  One day, by some act of God I got up an hour earlier than normal.  It was a great change over day.  And the kids were amazing.  They were so good that day.  On the way home I said to my husband “Wow weren’t the kids so good today?”  He was like, “Lori, It wasn’t the kids. You were in a better mood.”  I was the one creating a chaotic stressful environment.  By getting up early, I got all my stuff done so I could be more attentive to the kids. Just shifting the routine changed our change over days.  Little shifts can make a huge difference.

Let’s talk bedtime routine…

One of the greatest struggles I see with mental health right now is a struggle with sleep. A good routine really does help the quality of sleep and transition from the busyness of the day into a restful place.  Our brains really do need to rest, go offline so to speak.  It is how the brain sorts information from the day, heals from traumatic events and resets. Restful sleep restores and heals the brain. It is one of our greatest strategies to reduce overall stress in our lives.  If you are not sleeping well, you are not going to live the abundant life you desire. Sleep is a cornerstone of mental health and managing stress.

Let’s look at some strategies to help with creating a beautiful bedtime routine:

1. Sleep during darktime (Yes, I made that word up) Our bodies have a rhythm about them, sleeping when the sun is down will help quality and quantity of sleep. I worked night shift for several years, the sleep deprivation during those years are still haunting me. The quality of sleep is just so much better at night. 

2. Go to sleep about the same time and wake about the same time.  You may need to tweak what is best for you.  Yes, an occasional late night is fun, but in general, your body will develop a rhythm that helps you live at your best.

3. Reduce screens about 30-60 minutes before bed.  There is a plethora of research to support that blue light stimulates the brain and reduces the quality of your sleep

4. Charge your phone in another room at night.  Our brains become accustomed to the buzzes, vibrations and cues of our devices, sleep is better if you part with your phone at nighttime.

5. Create a good hygiene routine for you: Ideas are changing into bedclothes, brushing your teeth, washing your face, taking any nighttime medications, bedtime yoga.  Find what works best for you.

6. Then get into bed. Drain what is left in the tank.  This is a good last step. For me, depending on the stress of the day this takes a couple of minutes or up to 20-30. Ideas: brain dumping- write down all your stress so your brain has a place for it. Email yourself a list of things to do the next day. Play a word game or number game to help your thoughts focus on something neutral.  Allowing the brain to release what it is stressed about or focusing on something neutral is a great way to transition to bed.

7. Lastly, a lot of research indicates that just using your bed for sleep is recommended.  You don’t want to do crafts, watch a lot of TV, eat in your bed.  That way the brain and body know when we do the routine, it is time for sleep.  We want to make the transition to bed smooth and consistent.

5. Sleep

Now that we have good solid routines for starting and ending our days, let’s talk about sleep in general.  If I am being real and vulnerable, this is one of my areas  that I am still growing in.  I am a night owl by nature but my life has shaped me to get up early and start the day. So sleep is what gets lost.  It is still recommended by the National Institutes of Health that adults should be getting 7+ hours of sleep every night. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4434546/#:~:text=Adults%20should%20sleep%207%20or,and%20increased%20risk%20of%20death.

Sleep has so many health benefits. “Sleeping less than 7 hours per night on a regular basis is associated with adverse health outcomes, including weight gain and obesity, diabetes, hypertension, heart disease and stroke, depression, and increased risk of death. Sleeping less than 7 hours per night is also associated with impaired immune function, increased pain, impaired performance, increased errors, and greater risk of accidents.”

Admittedly when I am sleep deprived I am grouchy, irritable and struggle to adapt.  All of this is going to increase my stress level and the stress level of those around me.  When we don’t get enough sleep, our brains don’t have time to properly cope and store information from our day.  One of my favorite bible verses is Matthew 6:34. “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Truth. Each day really does have enough trouble of its own.  So when I am carrying over trouble from the day before because my brain has not had time to process it, I start the day more stressed. If that is a continual pattern, I am constantly and consistently carrying yesterday's stress into today, constantly overwhelmed.  We need to leave the stress of the day at the end of the day, so we start fresh in the morning.  Sleep is restorative, it is a chance to reset and repair. 

6. Do something FUN every day

This is one of the best stress relievers, easy, but often pushed to the side. FUN balances out stress.  Just like those good old fashioned seesaws! If I am stressed all the time and not having fun then I am off balance.  Fun balances out all the stress. So make sure you have something in your life every day to do to balance out stress. For me I love to watch a good sunset, sit on my porch, go for a walk, color a picture, play a game, cuddle with the cat.  Fun is different for all of us, but it should be something you can incorporate to your daily life. It doesn’t have to take long, but does need to be a priority and something that you look forward to.  If you don’t know what is fun for you… start experimenting.  Ask what others do for fun.  It could be reading a book, painting, crafting, creating.  It could be exercise, meeting with friends or planning a trip. It  is anything that is not harmful or destructive, but releases the stress.  So just a caveat: there are a lot of ‘fun’ things that are not healthy. Fun should be healthy and not working against any of our other stress relievers.

7. Connect with people in person

I know this sounds really old school.  There is so much value in in person, face to face, hang out in real time interaction.  I have loved studying the Blue Zones.  If you have not heard of this concept, would love for you to research it.  It is the areas on earth where people live to be 100 years old disproportionately to the rest of society.  They also live healthier lives disproportionately to their peers.  One of the common factors in all the blue zones is regular, meaningful connection in person with people that they “do life with.”  They all have a group that they regularly gather with.  Some cook, some talk, some garden, some do games, some are family, some are neighbors, but they all spend time in person with one another, regularly.  I live in the south.  One of the best things about living here is front porches.  I love to go across the road to my neighbor’s house. He has the best front porch. We sit and visit. I listen to stories. Every time I visit I leave with a new insight or thought. Stress is equal to isolation.  Health is equal to connection. Connect in person frequently, purposefully, intentionally.

8. Exercise

This may be my favorite stress reliever… especially for acute stress.  So you had a bad day?  Your kids ticked you off? Frustrated with your grocery bill?  Exercise.  Get those anger feelings out of your body in a way that helps the body.  Exercise releases the tension, while increasing your dopamine in your brain, so it is a win -win.  The more you release tension, the less stress you will feel.  If you exercise on a regular basis I call it preventive stress management.  So let’s say you exercise every day moderately.  When you do have a life event happen, you tend to not peak as high emotionally, because you are regularly off loading emotions through exercise.  So you handle stress more effectively when ‘life happens’ than if you didn’t exercise at all.  You do preventative maintenance on your car and home to keep them in good shape.  Exercise even 3-5 times a week can really help maintain your stress levels more effectively.  So find something you love and do it regularly.  If you want to double down on this technique, find someone who wants to do the same activity and to it with them.  So you are connecting and exercising! 

9. Do things you are passionate about

Passion is the flame that ignites energy.  Stress is about the ‘have tos’ in life.  Passion is about the ‘want to's’.  It is so important to have dedicated, intentional time to do what you are passionate about.  Some people are lucky and they get to do their passion at their jobs.  Others need to find ways to weave passion into your life.  Without passion, we are empty, hallow, just going through the motions.  So doing what you are passionate about regularly gives you energy to overcome and combat stress.  People are really known for their passions.  Thomas Edison was passionate about how things worked, creating things.  Mother Tereasa was passionate about helping people. Babe Ruth was passionate about baseball.  Abraham Lincoln was passionate about unity.  Their passions defined them, their work, their purpose for life.  Their passions became their legacies. So what are you passionate about?  What activities, interests get you fired up? What are the moments in your life that you live for?  You need to ground yourself around those activities.  Because they will help balance the stress in your life.  Passion helps us push through the struggles and pain.  Passion gives us a reason to get up in the morning, to make a difference in the world around us.

10. Spend time in nature

There is just a peace and calm that comes from being in nature.  I had this beautiful opportunity to get up before sunrise and climb a local mountain. I was the only one on this mountain and no other humans for a mile or two around me.  I witnessed a breathtaking sunrise with changing colored leaves all around me.  The bands of the sun rising to introduce the day was a reminder of the steadiness of nature to continue its traditions every day whether we lean into it or not.   Nature continues to be constant, no matter what stress we humans are in or creating.  Nature is existing, adapting and inspiring.  It is a steady pace that is unchanging.  When we pause from the craziness that we create and step into observing the animals, insects, trees, sand, oceans, rivers, creeks, there is a peace that really overcomes stress and settles our minds and bodies.  Sunsets and sunrises are some of my favorite moments whether at the beach or in the mountains.  It is a good moment to pause and watch the day start or end in a beautiful array of color.  Nature grounds us.  When you are feeling stressed, go for a walk, find a quiet place to sit and just observe.  Slow down.  Connect with a bird or a squirrel.   We need to be reminded of the bigger picture that is all around us. Leaning into nature settles the soul.  Take time to be in nature and not just roll through life without having your breath taken away.

11. Let it go.

I will never forget watching Frozen for the first time in a movie theater years ago.  As a grown adult I had tears flowing in abundance during the song Let it Go.  As a therapist, anytime we have a big reaction to something, of course we need to ponder the why behind that. For me, I think the song and the character’s story is similar to so many of us.  Ideas, beliefs are sprouted in childhood and if we look for the right reinforcement of false beliefs they are usually there to confirm irrational thoughts.  Ideas like “I am only loved if I perform well” “I am only worthy if I look good.”  “I am only noticed when I do something wrong.”  The list could go on and on.  In the movie, Elsa had a secret power that she had hide from others in the hopes of keeping them safe.  But she felt isolated, sheltered and ultimately disconnected from everyone.  I think many of us hide many aspects of who we are to protect others.  We hold onto things that are detrimental to our growth and healing.  But it is comfortable and familiar and it is really hard to let go, no matter how irrational or incorrect it is.    Letting it go can be as simple as writing the word/ issue on a rock and throwing it in a river or lake.  Or writing it on a piece of paper and shredding it.  It can be just sharing the struggle with a friend so you are not carrying it. I think truthfully, we are all carrying something that we have just gotten use to the weight instead of walking in freedom.  Letting go of lies, pain, hurt, fears, grudges, unforgiveness is the most powerful stress relieving tool!

12.  Set strong, loving, firm Boundaries

This may be my favorite counseling tool.  Much of the concept that I have learned is from the book Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud.  If this is an area of struggle for you, I highly recommend it. 

Boundaries are all around us and define us. Imagine a football game without lines on the field, or referees?  What would driving be like without lines on a road, stop signs or red lights?  We have all seen the toddler in the store or a restaurant that is able to do what he wants when he wants it. Boundaries keep us safe, they define when something is in and when it is out.  Whether that is emotions, manners, a football or a vehicle we need to know where the line is to keep us safe, secure and protect from harm. In 2004 we had some tropical storms move through our area.  In a 24 hour time over 17 inches of rain poured down on our area. The rivers could not hold the run off of that amount of water.  We had widespread flooding throughout the county.  Some of the areas  were devastated. Many people live near rivers, creeks, lakes because of the beauty and ecstatic nature of water.  Water is beautiful, fun, breathtaking when it stays inside its boundaries.  When it overflows or escapes its boundaries it causes widespread destruction.  This particular flood was so devastating it changed the shape and route at points of the river. 

The same is true in our relationships.  When boundaries are in tact, relationships are beautiful, strong and enhance the beauty around us.  When relationships overflow these boundaries they can be destructive, damaging and change the nature or construct of that relationship.  Boundaries keep us safe, protect us.  It is important to know what you are willing to do and what you are not.  Communicating to others what your boundaries are and what the violations are is important.  For example, if sleep is important to you (and I hope that it is) you may have a boundary that you will not answer or respond to calls or texts after a certain time.  If someone violates that you can remind them, remind them you will silence your phone or block their number if it continues.  That can sound harsh, but a boundary is only as good as its consequence.  If you set a boundary but don’t reinforce it with healthy consequences, then you lose credibility.  Boundaries are so important in life, in relationships, in sports, in nature, in every area. Having strong boundaries that are reinforced with healthy boundaries will reduce stress in the long run. 

13. Change your expectations

This is a revolutionary concept.  For years, I came home and immediately walked in the door and anger ensued. Why?  I had expectations when I walked in the door.  I expected my kids to be happy, run to me to give me hugs.  I expected that the house would be clean, dishes done and everything would be in good order.  I expected that they would be thrilled to see me after being gone for a while.  (I know you are laughing right now) But when my expectations were met with the dog barking, kids messy in a mess or completely ignoring me.  The kitchen a complete disaster area. I immediately reacted in anger.  Then I made the situation worse and everyone was thinking the red headed monster is home- which wasn’t that far off..  Here is the truth, all of that stress can be avoided by shifting my expectations. Over the years I have shifted my expectations.  If the kitchen is clean when I get home then woohoo!! But if it is not, it is fine.  My expectation now is that it will not be. If no one greets me at the door… it is fine, I will go find them, or give them space to come when they want to.   If the house is a mess, we can work together to get it clean later, it is a house and it is lived in well.   Expectations are a struggle and cause a lot of unnecessary stress. 

Expectations have to be reasonable.  

Expectations need to be communicated clearly.

Expectations have to be agreed upon in advance by mutual parties.

Unmet expectations created a great deal of unnecessary stress and anger in my life.  When I adjusted to reasonable expectations, communicated those, my stress decreased.  Take a moment to assess your expectations.  Ask those simple questions: Are they reasonable expectations?  Have I communicated them clearly?  Were these expectations agreed upon by all parties?  This is a great principle to apply to classrooms, managers, parents, families, in businesses and really almost every area of life.  Having appropriate expectations is a great way to reduce stress.  Remember, everything can’t be the way you want it all the time. Pick your battles, communicate effectively and set reasonable expectations.

As with any tool to reduce stress, initially, it is more stressful to start something new.  We are comfortable in our patterns in life.  If you feel anxious, have increased stress, spend some time thinking through these tools.  Where are the areas that really stick out as out of control?  Who and where does your stress come from?  Do you need to say no more? Do you need to have better boundaries with a boss, a friend, a family member?  Are your lack of routines affecting your ability to get things done?  Are you off balance with all work and no play?  Take some time to evaluate and tackle one thing at a time!

EXTRA:

14.  Just say No!

This one is harder said than done but can be a HUGE stress reliever.  We are totally over-committed in our worlds. Between school, homework, sports, church, friends, family commitments, there is literally not enough time to breathe much less relax or recharge.  For me, being able to say no and learning how is so freeing.  I want to share a little secret with you… you are allowed to say no! There is no way we can say yes to everything.  Especially if you are a super social person. I know FOMO is a real thing too. But we have to grieve the fact that we are going to miss out on some things! And that is OK. What we don’t want to miss out on is the important thing.  Steven Covey’s concept around first things first is perfect here. You have to do the most important things first.  Schedule family time, game night, dinners, whatever is MOST important first and say no to the things that interfere. Sports are great, but do you need to travel in every sport your kid does?  What is your why?  Here is a quick tool. Before you say yes, pause.  Especially if it is a text  or an email.  You do not have to respond right away.  Pause, pray, think, consider. Do I have time, energy or resources to answer yes?  Is this fit with my values, my non- negotiables in this season of my life?  If I say yes to this… what am I saying no to?  Yes some people may be disappointed by your no.  Yes, you could miss a promotion, or lose an opportunity.  Just evaluate a moment and ask yourself, am I saying yes the most to my priorities?  It is worth time to take a day to evaluate your non-negotiables and allow those to answer your yes’/no’s.